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What Are We Teaching Our Children?
Art Thompson
"What is this younger generation coming to?"
Have you ever heard that question? Or, have you asked it?
We did.
Our parents did.
Their parents did.
So, it
wouldn't be too surprising if you've asked it, too. It seems that the children
of each generation do not behave quite the same way as their parents, and it
frequently becomes a source of concern. Also, frequently it should be a
source of concern when it is not.
Our own children are grown now, and have children of their own.
Alice Ann and I used to say to each other, "It's a shame that children aren't born into the world with an operator's manual."
Of course, we were joking. But, at the time, we probably didn't fully appreciate the fact that children do come with an "operator's manual" - God himself wrote it for us.
What brought this to my attention recently is association with several young families who have children. We have observed some behavior in young children that is not as it should be, and we have seen some behavior in parents that encouraged (or, at least, enabled) misbehavior.
"Experience Keeps A Dear School!"
There are many ways in life to learn things. Someone has mistakenly said, "Experience is the best teacher."
That's just not so. Someone misquoted the old proverb, and that misquotation has been picked up and repeated until people have begun to believe that it's true. But it isn't.
The old true proverb is, "Experience keeps a dear school." In other words, learning by experience is the hardest, most costly way to learn anything. Though it's never been the best way, learning acquired through experience usually is remembered the longest - especially when the experience that taught us something hurts us in some way. Like getting hit on the head with a hammer! If that ever happens to you, I am fairly certain you'll remember that getting hit by a hammer hurts - a lot! It's best to learn that from the experience of someone else, don't you think? Which leads us to conclude that the best way to learn anything is through the experiences of others (who've learned the hard way!).
It is wise to seek advice and counsel from people we consider wise or experienced. We can learn from the things they've learned. We can learn the easy way, because they've learned the hard way.
With all those thoughts in place, now let's look at our original question. What are we teaching our children?
Here are a few things.
. . . To Be Self-Centered
Many parents allow constant interruption of adult conversation by their children, for small moments of attention. Allowing our children to interrupt whenever they choose, for whatever reasons they believe to be important, teaches them to be self centered, and concerned only with their own wants.
I hear it often: "God wouldn't want me to be unhappy."
I've heard many people - both old and young - say that in recent years. Each time, it has been offered in defense of some sin that will absolutely make God unhappy.
I urge you to trust me in what I say next: You really would rather be unhappy yourself than to make God unhappy with your behavior!
Think about that for a moment.
Or, said another way, the consequences of your being unhappy are significantly less than the consequences of making God unhappy!
"God wouldn't want me to be unhappy," is simply another way of saying, "What I want is all that counts. Nothing else matters." Having that attitude or thinking that way is the epitome of being self-centered.
In fact, that's just the opposite of what Jesus teaches us to be like. He teaches us to be selfless, and not selfish! He wants us to put others first, not ourselves first!
So, when we accept self-centered behavior in our children, we teach them that it's all right to be that way. When you do that, you can be assured that both you and they will pay a high price. One day they will break your heart by trampling on the hearts and lives of others, while justifying what they do by saying, "God wouldn't want me to be unhappy"!
. . . Not To Respect Rights and Property Of Others
What are we teaching our children when we allow them to prowl through the house where they are visiting, opening drawers, exploring rooms, cabinets, closets, refrigerator, and inquisitively looking into every other nook and cranny they find?
That teaches children not to respect what belongs to someone else.
We need for our children to learn to respect the property and the privacy of others. Not only is this activity ill-mannered, it also could be dangerous!
When was the last time you heard or read of children discovering a loaded gun and firing it? How many accidental deaths have you heard about that happened just that way? I can't count the ones I've known about.
If that seems too dramatic for you, try this. You never know what goes on in the private lives of your friends. Even your Christian friends. What will your children find if you allow them to prowl, unsupervised, through the home you are visiting? Does someone who lives there have a pornography "stash"? Drugs? Drugs don't even need to be illegal to be dangerous! And, they don't have to be on display, nor out in the open for little hands to grab them.
One of our children, when quite young, saw his grandmother's purse open, spied some attractive pills, and ate one. It was her medication for high blood pressure. Even though it was discovered quickly, and most of the pill recovered from his digestive system (that was not pleasant for him), he had a very long nap that day. And, needless to say, he didn't have high blood pressure for a few days.
But, that pill could have killed him. The event was discovered, and he lived, only by God's grace. And, he did all that while being supervised! It's difficult even to imagine what children can get into when allowed to roam through a strange house unsupervised!
Parents need to understand that the average home is a very dangerous place for children. Houses can be hazardous to your children's health! Even when they are being closely watched. It can be especially dangerous in the home where there are no young children, and the house has not been "child-proofed"!
Not only is unsupervised prowling ill-mannered, it's very dangerous.
Picking up "stuff". I got spanked thoroughly for "meddling". But just once! (Remember what I said about learning from experience? How did you think I learned about "learning by experience"!?)
When you allow your children to wander through a house they are visiting, picking things up - whether just to admire them or to play with (or break) them - you never know what may be simply a decorative and not costly trinket, or what may be a priceless keep-sake, a family heirloom that cannot be replaced, or antique and expensive.
Meddling is also ill-mannered and dangerous!
In the same category with meddling, there are other activities that are disrespectful, ill-mannered, and dangerous. Allowing your children to take pictures or other wall decorations down to look at them (or even to rearrange them) should be unthinkable.
I couldn't imagine this one until I saw it with my own eyes. Sometimes people have expensive "things" hanging on their walls. Priceless one-of-a-kind pictures of family who've long departed. Plaques, awards, certificates, antiques, paintings, other kinds of wall hangings. Some may be totally decorative and of little monetary value, but their relative value is totally beside the point. We should teach our children to respect the property and homes of others.
Period!
It does not matter whether that possession is expensive or not. The value of the thing is irrelevant.
If they learn disrespect now for the things of others because you allow them to do it without correction, how can you expect them to learn when they grow up? Who will (or can) teach them then? A jailer?
. . . To Abuse Freedom
Eating food they find which has not been offered to them. Allowing children to do this teaches them that they can claim and have for themselves virtually anything they see. In addition to teaching selfishness (again), this one can also be dangerous. Who knows whether food that a child finds and eats is safe - or is even edible?
One youngster visiting us a while back tried to take a bite out of a piece beeswax, molded into a piece of artwork. Just because he thought it looked like candy. Though it was relatively safe, it could have been covered with any number of toxic substances (insecticide, varnish, who knows what?). Not to mention that the bite ruined a gift from a friend.
When I was a child, my younger brother (surely he won't mind my telling this - he was little more than a toddler at the time) and an equally young playmate found a jar in our neighbor's house with an attractive liquid in it. It was just social drinking, I'm sure, but as near as our parents could tell, each of them drank about a cup of kerosene. A quick trip to the hospital saved both their lives. But, what if our parents had not been being vigilant? What if one had found the kerosene and the other found a match?
Another falls into this same general category, that is: Running (or playing other "outdoors" games) in the house.
When I was growing up, I never really cared for it much when someone said, "Well, when I was your age . . ." But, when I was the age of today's kids, I would have gotten my bottom spanked pretty thoroughly for running, jumping, and generally doing "outdoor things" inside ours or anyone else's house. Especially in someone else's house. That was a real "No, no."!
I think this falls into the broad category of respect for the possessions and rights of others. We need to learn it, and we need to learn it at a very young age.
. . . To Trash Their World
Another by-product of a lack of respect for the property of others is reflected in the trash discarded along our roadsides and in yards near the road. I know that some states and local governments write and enforce litter laws much more stringently than others. So, perhaps, this may not be a problem at all where you live. When there is no respect for the property and property rights of others, trespassing and trashing are rampant.
I went over to a lake on the back side of the property of a friend the other day. I was appalled when I saw the trash which had been left there by several uninvited and unwelcome "guests". Apparently trespassing and trashing are a way of life for many. It really scars that beautiful lakeside. The ugliness it creates is nothing compared with the danger to people and wildlife. When I saw the mess, I knew that someone had not been taught to respect the property and privacy of others. Some "grownups" have no idea what that means today. So how can they teach their children that kind of respect?
. . . What You See Is What You Become
Taking children to "adult" movies, teaches them that "it's OK" to live like the trash they see there. Why is it that some parents take their children to such movies, then wonder why they become unwed parents? Or why they get addicted to drugs? Or why they kill someone?
It's hard enough sometimes for adults to distinguish between factual life and movie (or TV) fiction. We cannot expect our children to be capable of making those distinctions. The fantasy world of TV and movies can become the reality of our children. There, they see lives that they believe they should imitate. If you take them to see those movies, or allow them watch on your TV, then the children assume that you approve! Consider that, please.
I'm not saying that adults should be watching those, either, but just try to guess what you're teaching your children about drug use, drug abuse, and drug addiction, foul language, violence, sex outside of marriage, respect for one another, love of God, patriotism. Think about it! Don't have the attitude that you can go ahead and take your children to that movie, then if they see anything "bad" you can teach them the truth about it later. That's one of Satan's lies.
Some of the most effective methods of teaching are with audio-visual aids. One of the least effective methods is by lecture - or "just talking". Do you really think, after a movie, that by just talking to your children, you can "un-teach" them what the best experts in audio-visuals have just taught them in graphic detail? If you say, "Yes," then just who are you kidding?
. . . To Live In A World Of Children - Not A World Of Adults
Sending our children to "children's church" where they can behave like children, teaches them several things.
I don't mean to disparage the idea of "children's church" entirely, because a number of good things come out of that concept and other, similar arrangements. But many groups misuse and abuse the original concept, so there are some dangers inherent, even in "children's church."
By being exclusively with children, and behaving like children, they learn to be children. Our children need to spend some time in assemblies with people of all ages and learn to sit quietly, respectfully, and to be attentive. They need to see adults behaving like adults. They need to learn to learn as adults learn.
Some of the bible lessons I've remembered the clearest, are ones I heard as a small child, long before anyone ever thought of "children's church". Some say, "they can't sit still long enough"? Others say, "they can't learn from adult teaching"? Those are Satan's lies. Don't fall for them! Our children will do exactly what we expect them to do. They can sit still long enough. They can learn from adult teaching.
Children's
church teaches (among good things) that children are not required to sit still,
to be respectful, nor to pay attention in any kind of an (adult oriented)
assembly. It teaches them that if they squirm, wiggle, or whisper enough
"in church", they'll be allowed to "get out of it", and go
to a place where they can play with other children. That's quite a reward for
misbehavior, isn't it?
. . . Not To Respect Parents
"Talking back" to parents or to other adults seems generally to be acceptable behavior from children today. Didn't God say,
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. (The fourth commandment) ( Exodus 20:12)?
Of course, he did. Under God's law to Israel, a disrespectful child was stoned to death in public (Deuteronomy 21:21).
Please don't miss this point!
That's capital punishment for disrespect!
How many executions of disrespectful children do you think it took for every kid in Israel to catch on?
I don't advocate that we should execute our children for disrespecting parents, but we must exercise strong discipline at a very early age to correct such a problem. Need I even to say, this is an important concept we need to grasp? I can understand the wisdom in executing those children, though. Because of the ones I've observed who grew up with no respect for their parents, they also learned not to respect any authority. Many of them currently populate our jails and prisons. I urge you to think carefully about that one.
. . . What Else?
If a son sees his father mistreating his mother, not respecting her, or yelling and hitting her, then he learns that it must be acceptable to do that. That's where he learns to mistreat his own wife in the future.
On the other hand if he sees genuine love and affection between his father and mother, he learns to treat his own wife the same way.
The same goes for our daughters. They come to learn that the model they see in their own parents is an acceptable model. If she sees a dominating mother, she learns to become one. If she sees a weak mother, a doormat, then she learns to become one.
If our children see their parents constantly bickering, continually arguing, endlessly demeaning each other - that's what they also learn to do.
If they see those disagreements turn into major splits between father and mother. That's what they also learn to do. If they see those major splits turn into divorce or into unfaithfulness, that's also what they learn to do. We see it reflected in our divorce rates!
What our children need to see in us is love, respect, and honor for God, and mutual love, respect, and honor for each other. They need to see their parents as models of loving God, loving each other, and loving their children.
I heard of a young bride who went home to mother after only two weeks of marriage, crying with a broken heart. She told her mother that her marriage was broken beyond repair because she and her husband had an argument.
When her mother explained that all husbands and wives sometimes have
disagreements - even arguments - her daughter couldn't believe what she was
hearing. You see, her mother and dad had always taken their disagreements behind
closed doors, away from their children's eyes and ears. They had believed the
modern hogwash that children should never see their parents disagree. This young
bride had never seen nor heard her parents argue over some disagreement. She
also had never seen them work through some disagreement and come out on the
other side, still loving each other and still respecting each other. So, she
believed that when she and her new husband disagreed - their marriage had quite
suddenly ended in
tragedy.
The moral to that story is that we should let our children see us being parents. They should see us being "people." They should see us disagreeing and should be learning that it's all right to disagree. They should learn that you can agree without being disagreeable. That you can disagree and still love and respect each other. They should have the opportunity to learn that no two people will ever agree on everything all the time. But they should see us working through our disagreements, and see us "kiss and make up". That's the only way they learn how to do that. They should see that it's a part of what people do, who love each other and are married to each other. They also need to see how those times make a marriage partnership stronger. We (their parents) are their strongest role models. Never forget that.
Is it any wonder that our daughters are turning for love and companionship to other women, and that our sons are turning to other men? What have they seen in us that makes them believe that a man and a woman cannot have a wonderful marriage relationship with each other - for as long as they live?
What Can We Learn Through The Experiences Of Others?
We can learn the easy way through the experience and wisdom of others, or we can learn the painful way, by continuing to hit ourselves on the head with a hammer.
When we continue to threaten some disciplinary action for misbehavior, without following through, we teach our children that it's all right to continue to misbehave. And, we teach them that our "threats" or "promises" are empty - that they have no "teeth" and they mean nothing.
A proposed solution.
Warn once.
The second time the misbehavior is repeated, don't warn, but deliver what you promised for misbehavior. In spite of what child psychologists say, "time out" (as disciplinary action) doesn't work!
How To Teach Our Children . . .
Remember the wise saying, "Spare the rod and spoil the child"?
I am painfully aware that, among some in this generation, corporal punishment ("spanking" for our readers who are too young to have been taught what "corporal" means) is not the "politically correct" way of training children. Please observe that when "Doctor Spock" began to convince parents they should not spank their children, some very undesirable things began to happen as a result of that lack of corporal punishment.
The juvenile crime rate is the highest it has ever been. Teen pregnancies are the highest in history. Divorces are at the highest rate in history. Consequently the number of one parent families is also the highest it has ever been. There are more children and families totally dependent on government for support than ever before.
Why?
I believe it's because we have not trained our children properly - or at least the previous generation or two of parents has not done so, and this one apparently does not know any better.
In general, parents have abandoned the training of their children, and have left their training in the hands of our God-less schools, day care facilities, (even baby-sitters) where the training guidelines are no training at all.
Solomon said,
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6)
and,
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15)
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame. (Proverbs 29:15)
. . . because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. (Proverbs 3:12)
Solomon used the very normal picture of a loving father exercising discipline on his son to teach us about how God treats us. If parents no longer exercise any discipline, that picture falls apart. So what Solomon teaches us is that correcting our children - disciplining them - directing them in the ways they should live and behave - is a godly thing. It is a serious debt we owe to our children.
When I was a boy in my father's house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, "Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live." (Proverbs 4:3, 4)
My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching. Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you. For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life, keeping you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of the wayward wife. (Proverbs 6:20 - 24)
The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother. (Proverbs 10:1)
A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke. (Proverbs 13:1)
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. (Proverbs 13:24)
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. (Proverbs 19:18)
Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul. (Proverbs 29:17)
Can't we take advantage of the advice of the wisest man who will ever live? Why can't we learn the "easy way"?
Also, God commanded,
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. ( Exodus 20:12)
That's the fourth commandment of the ten. And in Deuteronomy 5:16:
Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Simply because God said that, it means something. It is important to learn and to use what God said in our lives. Too many of us memorize God's commandments without ever understanding that they should mean something to us - that they should shape the way we think, the way we live and the way we train our children.
When we ignore God's explicit commands, we invite the disaster we're witnessing among our children (and those adults(?) who have been "trained" the same way). That's why our country is having the problems it's having today.
Paul also urged:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:1 - 4)
And, in Proverbs 23:13, Solomon, again, said -
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
What Do We Expect?
Our children will do just exactly what we expect them to do.
If you expect them to misbehave - they will.
If you expect them to be disrespectful to you and other authorities - they will.
If you expect them to prowl around in someone else's house - they will.
If you expect them to use misuse drugs, or alcohol - they will.
If you expect them to be sexually promiscuous - they will.
If you expect them to have pre-marital sex - they will.
If you expect them to have teen, unwed pregnancies - they will.
If you expect them to behave and to love, honor, respect, and obey you, others, and respect authority - they will.
If you expect them to love and honor God - they will.
So we should begin to expect the very best - instead of the worst - in our children.