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We had a beautiful weekend planned, back in the fall of 1991.

Along with several couples from our church, my wife of twelve years and I were going on a "Marriage Enrichment" retreat in North Carolina. The mood was light, the weather was gorgeous and the company, good. As we entered the first "sharing session" on that Friday evening, I noticed that my wife was unusually nervous. In fact, she became ill . . . so together we left the group and went outside for some air.

That's when the bombshell hit.
"I don't think I love you anymore," she told me in calm tones.
"In fact, I'm not sure that I ever loved you . . . or that you have ever loved me."

It seemed a strange confession for a woman who, just the week before, had told a friend "how blessed I am to have such a wonderful husband and family." No one was more surprised than I.

Six months later, despite many prayers, promises, and failed attempts to reconcile, I found myself divorced alone in an empty house (which was soon to be sold) and very, very broken. I thank God for His mercy covering me during that time. As a very young Christian, it would have been easy to say something like: "OK, God, if this is the way your treat your people, I think I'll try something else." But instead, the Lord placed in my heart an insatiable desire to know Him and His will for my life. He also placed in my path some very special people who freely offered the love and comfort of Christ.

Many recently-divorced people have an almost uncontrollable inclination to "hide". That's understandable, considering the deep sense of loss and depression that is often experienced. After being "part of a couple" for years, it feels awkward to be almost anywhere . . . especially in couples-oriented gatherings (like church!).

Somehow, I knew that I had to fight these feelings, because I NEEDED TO BE WITH PEOPLE. Throughout the time of separation leading up to divorce, I was involved in a small-group Bible study. It was a survey course, in which we read about 85% of the Bible, from Genesis to Revelation. What an amazing time of discovery, healing, hope and comfort! I found the Lord was speaking to me as if the Bible had become a personal letter . . . and the group surrounded me with support and prayer.

On Monday nights, I attended a home Bible study. On Saturday mornings, I went to the local Gideons prayer meetings. There were times when my friends wondered if my life was "losing balance". But the Holy Spirit had become my guide and teacher . . . drawing me into closer communion with Christ. He was, and is, my strength to survive, day by day.

An Inspired Idea!

A counselor I was seeing at the time urged me to begin looking for the problems in the marriage that were MY fault; but at the time, I wasn't ready for that. But, slowly, over the next two to three years, the Holy Spirit began to take me back to moments in my marriage that I now greatly regret. Without condemnation . . . but as a loving and careful instructor . . . He showed me my self-centeredness. I remembered many times that had been opportunities to minister to my wife . . . which I just completely missed. And while these "true confessions" were painful, I believe they were really necessary. I needed to "own responsibility" and repent for being a much-less-than-perfect husband.

Three years later, in a divorce recovery Bible study at church, one woman shared that she felt compelled to seek her husband's forgiveness, even though he was the one who initiated the divorce. The Holy Spirit immediately applied that testimony to me . . . I had never done that! I realized that I had been so busy with the process of forgiving my ex-wife, that I had never asked for her forgiveness in return. So the next weekend, I spoke with my former wife . . . confessed some of my many failures (which the Lord had been revealing to me) and asked her forgiveness.

To say the least, she was pleased and surprised. By my observation, it looked as though a weight was being lifted from her shoulders . . . and I felt the same way. Our relationship has improved tremendously, which is a great benefit to our son.

Though she has remarried and restoration of the marriage is impossible, I believe that the Lord has allowed us to be reconciled, at least in our hearts (Matthew 5:23-24).

There are many more ways in which Jesus Christ has been my healer. But there are no "quick fixes". Recovery from divorce takes TIME. In many ways, it's like a death. It IS the death of a relationship . . . and it requires much the same process experienced in any significant loss. The good news is, that IN CHRIST, this can be a terrific time of spiritual surrender and growth!

For those who are in the heat of the trial . . . usually the first couple of years, I urge you not to MINIMIZE the trauma of divorce. Some well-meaning friends might advise you to "get over it, and get on with your life". But for most, that is at least a three to five-year process. The stress of a break-up leaves people in a very vulnerable state. There is much searching and "rebuilding" to do.

It's best not to make any unnecessary decisions . . . and certainly not to date seriously . . . for at least a couple of years. It will take that long to reset your goals and get back to "clear thinking" again. The danger of painful "rebound relationships" is very high.

I first heard this advice at a Fresh Start weekend seminar. Fresh Start is a Bible-based ministry for divorce recovery, directed at both adults and children of divorce. (I recommend their materials and seminars.) When I attended this weekend, within the first year after my divorce was final . . . "three to five years" sounded like an awfully long time! But now, five years out, I can say that it's just about right.

I found that it took the better part of three years to get over "still feeling married". . . and about four and a half years to really begin feeling "comfortable" as a single person. And while these have been trying times, the Lord has given many opportunities to grow, while serving others. I have also enjoyed a great deal of freedom and time to "sit at the Master's feet".

I can honestly say that in all the years of marriage, I never considered divorce to be an option. Then I discovered that it takes TWO to marry, but only ONE to decide on divorce. It is my conviction that IN MOST CASES, the Lord's will is that Christian marriages should be reconciled . . . but to say that that is ALWAYS the case would be over-simplifying.

Without question, there are too many couples using frivolous and non-Biblical excuses to leave their marriage. But there are many other individuals who find themselves in abusive relationships . . . or as victims, who, through no great fault of their own, are abandoned by an unrepentant spouse. In reality, each case must be considered individually with much prayer and compassion.

Finally, a note to the church: every divorce involves sin. Sin is "missing the mark" . . . not living up to God's best intent for our lives. But please remember that divorce is NOT AN UNFORGIVABLE SIN. Most divorced people are broken, downcast, and confused. Doesn't that sound exactly like the people to whom Jesus so powerfully ministered?

Just think of the woman at the well (John 4) and how Jesus offered her living water . . . by ministering "the truth in love". People suffering through divorce need to be surrounded by the body of Christ, led gently to repentance as necessary, guided in the truth of Biblical thinking . . . and covered with the grace and forgiveness for which Christ gave His all (Galatians 6:1, 2).

Some of the most joyful and productive people I know have been through this valley of divorce, and in that valley, found that Jesus Christ met their every need. And now, with even stronger faith in their "great physician", they share with others the comfort they received from Him (2 Corinthians 1:3, 4).